Stretches< Jottings< Random Arrows>

I have returned from Maui. I miss being under the same roof as my entire family. I am happy to return to my cats and work dogs though. I will most likely write about the trip in detail later on.

I need to finish something. I have too many projects at seventy-five to ninety percent finished. How about this for some computer programming wisdom?

Ninety-ninety rule
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In computer programming and software engineering, the ninety-ninety rule is a humorous aphorism that states, "The first 90% of the code accounts for the first 90% of the development time. The remaining 10% of the code accounts for the other 90% of the development time."

That the total development time sums to 180% is a wry allusion to the notorious tendency of software development projects to significantly overrun their original schedules. It expresses both the rough allocation of time to easy and hard portions of a programming project and the cause of the lateness of many projects (that is, failure to anticipate the hard parts). That is, it takes both more time and more coding than expected to make a project work.

Better than Sleeping

I have been staying out to late every night this week. I have been grumpy at work because of it. On top of being ty ty all day I'm also always extra annoyed at work right before I take a vacation. I think I allow myself to see how annoying my job really is right before I get to take a break from it. I am really going to enjoy getting off the mainland for a week. If only I was actually leaving the country too.

Projects are going well, though I'm starting to feel as though I have a few too many irons in. I need to finish a few. I worked most of the weekend on a remix of a track for a friend. It was a lot of fun and Angela even did a vocal in the chorus, pretty much made the song for me. I think I may take on more remixing next year, it has been more satisfying than I would have guessed. I suppose since it's for some one that I know has never heard one of their songs presented in the way that I presented it that it makes it exciting for me.

My writing has been going well, but I feel a cross roads approaching. More about that after I get through it and make a decision.

Back to grumpy.

There are No Passengers

I started work at credit cooperative in the spring of 2002, it was a bland meaningless job that existed simply by the fact that the person I replaced had managed to appear useful in the face of all evidence to the contrary. Naturally when he left his post interviews were held and a replacement was found at once. I replaced a man that did nothing, apparently with great flair. I would have liked to meet Mr. Dale Evans, I owe him a certain degree of deference. His last day on the job, he slipped into his old desk (which became my new desk) a three-page, hand written letter. The letter, in a smooth even hand, outlined the particular way in which he managed to do absolutely nothing at Credit Cooperative and get paid for it and he was now passing on this peculiar occupation to me. The letter came with a request: that if I were at all inclined to apply myself in a more productive manner to the company, that I wait 6 months to do so in order that I not draw attention to his ruse. The letter ended with a warning, after extolling the benefits of the added free time the job provided he warned of what he referred to as "the pitfalls of ennui". He implored me to take advantage of the free office hours, and do something constructive for myself, even suggested perhaps I write a novel. He ended the letter by explaining that all good things in life are temporary, and that one cannot work at nothing all day forever. He viewed the job he was leaving to me as an endowment, and he asked only in the end that I not abuse the privilege, and that when I leave I make every attempt to pass the position along, intact, to a new individual in a manner similar to how he had done for me.
On the first day of my employment with Credit Cooperative I read Mr. Evan's letter over and over again, dumbfounded and elated. University had been a harrowing experience for me and I interviewed for and received the well-compensated position at Credit Cooperative after a long and arduous job hunt. To me it had all been exhausting, and I was pleased to learn that I would now have a chance to take a much-needed break from the trials of life. At the end of the day I placed the letter in an envelope and taped it to the under side of my bottom desk drawer, secreted away but fondly open in my memory.
In the beginning that spring felt magical. Mr. Dale Evans had left me in a position that was in the upper percentile of starting wages for my degree and I took great advantage of my newly acquired means. I didn't like the neighborhood around Credit Cooperative, nor the nearest surrounding neighborhoods; I found them drab and depressing. I decided to spend a larger portion of my salary on a wonderful 2-bedroom apartment in Santa Monica near the beach. I had always dreamed of living so close to the ocean, and it was only 20 miles away from my well paying position.
I learned quickly that 20 miles in Los Angeles could be an eternity during rush hours, and within two weeks I dreaded my commute; but I would not so easily be deterred from the enjoyment of my new life, so I made myself a deal. At the end of my first month at Credit Cooperative I left work on a Friday and drove to a car dealership, where I leased a brand new, BMW X5 sport utility vehicle. This car came with all manner of bells and whistles; it practically drove itself. I reasoned that if I had to spend over an hour in the car one way that I could at least do it in style.
My commute was depressing but I was making the most of my job of nothing. I stuck with it through the rest of the spring and into the fall. I explored the Internet to it’s darkest farthest corners. I played an endless series of video games on my work computer, all the while following Mr. Evan's instructions and suggestions to the letter. I made friends with many of my fellow employees, and I could tell they appreciated my calm, even demeanor. Credit Cooperative seemed as though it must have been an awfully stressful place to be employed if your job happened to call for actual work, so I made the most of my lack of responsibility and tried to always throw a bit of my Santa Monica sunshine around.
As fall became winter and the seasonal rains beat down I began to respect "the pitfalls of ennui" to a greater degree. I found it harder to share sunshine as it came in increasingly shorter supply. This season was to go down as particularly marred by precipitation. A seldom-understood weather phenomenon, El Nino was brutally unforgiving this year, and it increased my commute to lengths absurd on nearly a weekly basis. The endless drive coupled with my complete lack of any meaningful productivity was now pulling me further and deeper into a spiraling depression.
By January I was nearing the bottom of my will to continue. I even attempted to begin a novel, as Dale had suggested, but no muse would strike. The cursor blinked and the white lines of the 10 Freeway stretched on forever before me.
A tragic end was coming; I would certainly have fallen victim to the "pitfalls of ennui" had it not been for a visit to the second floor Credit Cooperative employee lounge, and a protracted study of the shared employee bulletin board there. Upon the well worn cork-board I found a single cleanly typed sheet of paper, in bold face type, announcing the formation of a west side carpool. A scale map of specific areas in Santa Monica and West Los Angeles was included with the heading ‘Eligible Area of Residence.’ My apartment fell easily within the boundaries. The announcement ended with this statement: "for further inquiries and eligibility contact Douglass@creditcooperative.com.” The solitary hours of my daily commute had become so horrific that this car pool seemed to be an opportunity of life altering proportions. I clipped steadily back to my office and dashed an email of introduction to Douglass. I included my address and irrelevant title at Cred Co., ‘Account Reconciliations Specialist.’
Thirty seconds after the electronic packet of information left my computer a ding from my speakers announced the arrival of a reply. It read:

"Bradley, your address qualifies for further consideration of inclusion in the west side car pool. Please stop by my office and see me in person at your earliest convenience.
Douglass Bratten, Director of Institutional Efficiency - Suite 308."

My office was on the second floor, and Dale had suggested I spend only the smallest amounts of time on the third and fourth floors, where most of the upper level management toiled. Though I followed this instruction faithfully in my travels about the grounds I had been fairly confident that I had at least made acquaintance with everyone who worked at Cred Co. In his letter Dale had suggested this. Yet I had never seen nor heard of Douglass, and I had believed there were only seven suites on each floor. Seven suites lined the perimeter of each floor surrounding the large field of cubicles in the middle.
These minor curiosities did not prevent me from springing to my feet en route to the third floor. Something in the e-mail reply had reassured me that this was indeed a path worth traveling. I made a large circle around the third floor checking name and number plates of each office, yet I could find Suite 308 nowhere. I had remembered correctly, there were seven office suites about the perimeter of the floor, a small employee lounge and two sex specific restrooms. Finally nearing exasperation I noticed April Hardwick, a fellow second floor employee walking out from the field of cubicles. I was very friendly with April and I stopped her to inquire about Suite 308.
"How odd, Bradley, I myself have just come from Suite 308 and I too had to ask for directions. Forgive me being a snoop but is this about the car pool?"
"Odd indeed, April! That is exactly why I am looking for Suite 308."
"Wonderful, I hope that we both make the cut! Let me know how the interview goes."
With that April continued on her way and I marched in the direction she had pointed, to the very center of the 3rd floor, to a rather large towering cubicle. How had I never noticed such an impressive and imposing structure before? I was certain that such a thing did not exist on the second floor, because it would have obstructed my view across the sea of cubicles to the other side of the building, where I would often gaze and zone out while enjoying one of my multiple cups of coffee. No, I was certain that this was a third floor anomaly only. And what had April meant in referring to this meeting as an interview?
I had approached Suite 308 from what I soon realized was the backside; the cubicle was remarkable in that on each of the three sides that did not have the door, there was an actual glass window. I peeked through each window as I passed and was surprised at the open and orderly flurry of activity that seemed to be taking place on the opposite side. As I rounded the corner and stepped through the suite door the truly impressive nature of 308 really hit me. In the center was one large desk, behind which, if the nameplate on the desk was accurate, sat Douglass Bratten. The cubicle office seemed impossibly large from the inside; in each of the four corners of the room sat a desk, facing out towards the corner. Three of these desks were occupied, each occupant sat facing away from the desk in the center of the room; it seemed that this was deliberate so that the person in the center of the room could easily see the extra large computer screens of those around him. I made a knocking motion in the air as I stepped through the threshold. Douglass was speaking rapidly, presumably to the three people in the room around him.

"Jackson, check in with shipping and see if we have a tracking number for Taipei yet. Green, I'm sending you some new figures, plug them in and let me know what the curve looks like now. Beth, this report from the south looks nice, spelling error in word five, sentence three, paragraph two, page four.
"Bradley! Excellent."
Stepping into an office where work was obviously occurring struck me as rather alarming. I would have simply seized from fear had it not been for something warm and inviting in the way Douglass recognized me and proclaimed my arrival to be excellent. I normally find exclamation to be most troublesome, but there was something of a comfort to Douglass' enthusiasm.
"You wear glasses Bradley, prescription?"
"Yes."
"Forgive me, but what is your visual acuity"
"20/30."
"I see, and do you have regular eye exams?"
"Every 6 months."
"Do you always wear glasses?"
"I do."
"Do you have several pairs at current prescription?”
"Yes."
"Very well. What time do you currently leave for work?"
"Between 6:30 and 7:05, depending on the Sig-Alert website."
"Excellent! I will be in touch by the end of the day with instructions for tomorrow morning."

Douglass stood and shook my hand and walked me to the opening of the cubicle. As we reached the outer office he patted me on the back and turned back into his office where I heard another rapid-fire string of requests and commands. The entire exchange had taken less than a minute and I was now headed back to the second floor. I wandered around hoping to bump into April, but her cubicle was empty and she was nowhere to be seen. I went to the break room and made myself a cup of green tea. I turned to study the bulletin board again and was surprised to see that the car pool posting had disappeared from the board. Tea in hand I made my way promptly back to my office.
Checking my Cred Co. e-mail I saw that I had two e-mails, the most recent arrival from Douglass@Creditcooperative.com. I began to read:

"Bradley,
You will be an excellent fit for the West Side Car Pool. Fortunately the two other most eligible candidates for the pool live within a half a mile from both you and I. You no doubt pass my condo each morning on your way to the 11th Street on-ramp to the 10 Freeway. I am the green building at 5th and Colorado. I have seen you arrive to work just behind me rather often, and I admire your roomy automobile. Would you mind allowing me to drive it each day? This will not be a rotational pool; I will drive every day, preferably in your vehicle, as it is roomier than mine. If this presents a problem I could stop by the dealer on my way home and trade in my car, but since your vehicle is road tested I would prefer to undertake the daily commute in it. There is a company reimbursement program in place, which will compensate you for mileage as well as wear and tear, since the west side company car pool will fit all necessary requirements. In fact if we are economical in our choice of routes you may come out a little ahead at years’ end. Please respond prior to 5:00 pm. It will be unnecessary for you to pick me up; I think it is beneficial to enjoy a brisk walk prior to a drive. Let’s plan to leave each morning at precisely 7:30 am."

A knock on the open door behind me broke my concentration. April stood smiling in the door.

"Well, are you in?" Her excitement was far beyond the subject matter, yet I felt it too.
"I am in fact, and we'll even be taking my car." I said this before realizing I had decided to consent. It made sense of course, it would cost me nothing, and I very much enjoyed the thought of sharing the comfort of my vehicle with others.
"I had no idea you lived so close to me. I am so glad that I won't have to drive any longer, and I'm really looking forward to getting to know you and Douglass better."

As April finished this statement I saw Douglass striding towards us with a briefcase in both hands. There was another man with him and as he reached us he bent slightly at the knees and set down each case. Turning to his left and gesturing to the man with him he said: "April and Bradley, this is Allen Green — he is the fourth member of our pool. Will your vehicle be okay Bradley?"
"Certainly."
"Good, I have another favor. I was wondering if you would perhaps follow me to my mechanic and then drive me home this evening. It's on the way and we could acceptably leave now, being that it is a lower level productivity time for the company."
"Sounds fine to me, let me just lock up and grab my things."

His mechanic was just a block from the office, and Douglass was out of his car and stowing one of his briefcases in the back seat as soon as I came to a complete stop. He opened the passenger door and leaned his head in, "Would you mind much if I drove us to your place? I would like to assess the feel of the automobile, and I have something to show you on the drive."
"I would be delighted!" And truly I was — I felt relieved already that I would not have to face the commute alone. I exited the X5 and met Douglass at the front of the vehicle. As I passed him on the way to the passenger seat he handed me the briefcase.

“This will be yours, you can learn to use it on the drive home."

Sitting in the passenger seat I opened that case. Inside was what appeared to be a laptop, though it did not open; it had a simple flat screen on the top. Douglass was already in his seat, buckling in. I stared at the black screen on the device in my lap.

"Touch anywhere on the screen" Douglass instructed.
I pressed the very center of the screen and soon it surged to life. There was no start up screen but instantly a map of the streets around me appeared. There was a row of buttons all along the right side.
"Acquaint yourself with each button, their functions are self explanatory." I found from a simple scroll through them that they were just that. There were layers for current traffic and average foreseeable traffic. There was a button for address input. A button called ‘route’ and button called ‘alternate routes,’ two buttons for zoom. Also one called ‘weather’ and one that read ‘elapsed time.’ Douglass instructed me to input my home address. When I pressed the address button a keyboard appeared on the screen and I typed in my address. The device automatically drew a line on the map, with each turn clearly labeled all the way to my apartment building.
"Easy enough?" Douglass asked as he smiled. "There is a Thomas Guide behind in the pocket of the case as well, just in case we ever need to do things the old fashion way."
I watched our progress on the screen and toggled through settings the entire way home, only realizing that we had arrived when the screen blinked "destination reached". It felt as though no time had elapsed. I pointed to my parking space and Douglass pulled directly in. He shook my hand and was off without anything more than a smile. I carried the device in its case up to my apartment and inspected it further. No brand name anywhere to be found. In the case pocket I found a manual, which I began to read.
I had been reading a while when I noticed I had not eaten. I ordered Thai food from a delivery place down the block and continued to read. The manual was written with a direct descriptive tone. There were more features than had appeared on the basic operation screen and I was absorbed in learning them. I had forgotten how much I enjoyed learning a new piece of equipment. I had in college considered a degree in software programming, but many people assured me that this was not a fulfilling occupation. My food came, I answered the door with a smile and tipped the young man ten dollars on a nine-dollar order. I realized that I was looking forward to navigating for Douglass in the morning.

I woke up before my alarm the following morning at 5:30 sharp. I dressed in shorts and t-shirt and running shoes. I ran a 3 quick miles and came home to shower. The shower felt wonderful, and I stood smiling under the spray of warm water. I dressed and then made breakfast and finished reading the manual. I was done with breakfast and looked at the clock; it was 7:00. Most mornings I would have left home already, but Douglass seemed very certain that leaving by 7:30 would be fine. I finished all that I had to do by 7:20 and decided to go down early, for a little air. I passed the elevator and took the stairs, marching down five flights with a spring in my step. I approached my lobby door at 7:25, April was waiting with a cup holder and 4 cups of coffee and smiled back at me as I opened the door. She handed me a cup of coffee labeled Black.
"How did you know how I take my coffee?" I asked.
"I just notice those things and make a note I suppose."
From behind her I heard "Good Morning!" as Allen came striding up the stairs.
"Wonderful morning is it not?" We both agreed that it was.
"Douglass recommended we all walk here. I had no idea how much I would enjoy a morning walk; it's been years since I've walked anywhere father than from the parking lot to my office. What a fine idea that was." As he said this Douglass walked up behind him and April handed him one of the two remaining coffees. "Half and Half, correct?"
"Yes, thank you very much." Douglass said, obviously pleased.
"Off we go then."
Everyone followed Douglass to my vehicle. I tossed him a set of keys as we neared. "Keep them, I have 3 sets."
"Thank you, much easier that way."
Once we were inside and everyone was belted in, Douglass began to speak. "There are no passengers in this vehicle. Everyone has been given a job to do that will help us in our journey each day. Allen, you are my eyes in back and on the left, speak clearly without getting excited when I ask you a question. It's important always to remain calm, you will be covering the most sensitive blind spot."
As he said this he put the X5 in drive and left the parking structure.
"Bradley, I trust you have delved a bit deeper into the functions of the navigator, I will need help with on the fly change of routes and traffic forecasting. You'll find the navigator is an extremely programmable tool that is capable of performing many complex functions. I am certain you will enjoy learning more about it as we progress. April, thank you very much for the coffee, we all appreciate it very much. I was pleased when you volunteered to stop each morning to pick it up before we leave. It will save us all time and a drive is always nicer with a warm coffee. I will pay you back for everyone's coffee at the end of each week. I will also need your help watching the road in front of me, reading signs and observing the radar detector. I don't make a habit of breaking the speed limit, but I find there are some stretches of roadway where the maximum speed limit is far to conservative and that the authorities have actually over compensated for public safety. In these situations, would anyone object to me pushing the rate of travel a bit? Excellent. This brings me to the question of the radio. I think a general sampling of all stations provides one with a certain sense of the flow of opinion in the city, and that we should make use of our time spent in the vehicle to get a grasp on some of the news of the day. There are volume keys and a mute button on the side of the steering wheel, I encourage anyone to speak when they have something to discuss, I will mute the sound immediately and I think it would be nice for us all to listen and participate. There will be times that this will not be possible as we will all be engaged in our duties of driving, but if we all handle our jobs well, we can keep these times to a minimum."
As we traveled, twice in conversation Douglass asked me for an alternate route when traffic seemed to thicken up. I announced the route and everyone in the car was told to watch for the street signs as I read them off. April was particularly good at seeing the signs from a distance. At 8:20 we pulled into the parking lot and drove to the front near the door next to the handicap stall. I had never noticed but there was a green sign that read "Credit Cooperative Car Pools Only" in front of two of the best spaces. We came to a stop in a space and everyone took their things and empty coffee cups with them and left the car, entering the office together.
When I got to my desk I was surprised to see that I had left my computer on and my email open. I had one unread message, just below the message from Douglass. The address caught my eye at once:


dale.evans@hrrscpes4u.com


The message was marked urgent with a red exclamation point and it had come in at 1:30pm the day before. I clicked the message and it popped up onto my screen.

"Bradley, I am so sorry but I have made one small over sight in my instructions that I left you. I completely forgot to mention the reconciliation report that you must collect from each department. It is a simple task and as long as you have it on the desk of Douglass Bratten in 308 first thing tomorrow morning then everything will be fine. It is critical he has the report as soon as he gets to his desk. He is very particular about the timely arrival of pertinent information; he will want to know the information from the report when he meets with the board at 8:45. I have over the years taught each department to format their information in such a way that you merely need to walk around and collect a single sheet from each department and put them in alphabetical order by department name before you hand them to Douglass. Watch out for Doug, I don't trust him."

My heart sank. I could not believe that this had happened. There was no time to make my way through the building and collect the papers before 8:45. I placed my head on the desk, all the weight I felt yesterday morning returned. I wanted to go back to bed. Suddenly my speaker dinged twice, signaling the arrival of two emails: one from Douglass and one from Dale. I clicked on Dale's and pressed print and then opened Douglass' message.

"Collect all of your things and come and see me in my office. Douglass"

I kept nothing more in my office than would fit in a briefcase. I packed it up and dumped all personal files from my computer. As I walked out I picked up the other email from the printer and began to read as I walked toward the elevator.

"I am sorry that I failed to mention the reconciliation report in your training message. I noticed that I just now received the confirmation that you have opened the email from yesterday and I fear I have cost you your position at Cred Co. I would like to invite you to come and work for me. I have a company that I started in my free time at Cred Co. I wrote software that randomly generates daily horoscopes and sends them to people in a text message. They mean nothing and cost each person who receives them five dollars. Your job would be to spell check the message each morning. I suppose it doesn't technically matter how they are spelled; I don't believe many of my customers can read well enough to notice. Yet, I am guilty of having a weakness for standards and I'm tired of checking the spelling myself. I will pay you double what you make now and you'll only have to read one paragraph for spelling accuracy each morning. I think you'll find this is much better than not working at Cred Co. Please, come not work for me."

I reached the elevator and pressed the button for floor 3. I walked into 308. Douglass was speaking to everyone around him as usual but stopped when I entered. I said nothing; he studied my face for a moment. I then walked forward and handed him the printed email. He looked down and looked back up 15 seconds later.

"Place your things on the open desk in the corner of the room there, I have a new job for you."

There Are Some Things I Can't Teach You

The ground crunched as my father's large boots led me across the frost covered driveway towards the barn. My gloves were too large for my hands and too large to fit in my pockets. I would have liked to hold father's hand on the walk, but it was becoming easier now to balance myself than to balance by my father's arm. I was too busy thinking about what my father had told me we were going to do to think about the clear crisp quality of the air in the sky, it would be years before I would have enough of my own thoughts worked out to consider such things.
"Alex, you must come with me to the barn, it is time to slaughter the new cow."
I was trying to remember if I had slaughtered anything before. I was pretty certain that I had not, the word sounded familiar and it made me nervous. My stomach now had a new sensation competing with the feeling of hunger, a certain tousling that made me even more distracted as I struggled to keep up.
Father did not speak much, it seemed that as I learned more words he forgot some. Would he forget the word slaughter once I understood what it meant?
As we neared the barn I rushed to get to the chain which held the doors closed. Last week father had taught me to pull the large rust brown nail back out through the links of the chain which held the chain together. I could never do this task before because I didn't know that there was an extra step. I needed first to push the door in and hold it closed tight with my foot in order to take something called tension off of the nail. This was now the sixth time I that I was allowed to open the door. As I opened the left door and walked it to the side father caught up with me and walked into the barn.
The new cow was a surprise, I did not know we had any cows anymore, much less a new one. I wonder which cow was it's mother cow, since we ate the last of our cows in November. Maybe you don't always need a mother cow to get a new one, but I thought father said before that you did.
I followed father to the back of the barn, where he opened the very back stall door. Inside was the new cow. It was smaller than our last cow had been, but not by much.
"Alex, we normally would not butcher an animal this late in the year, it is not the best time. It is too cold outside and we will have to wait longer before we can eat. I am sorry that we will have to wait, but it's important to do things right, and I am proud that you do not complain about the hunger anymore."
I was surprised that my father could speak so much still. I knew what it meant to butcher an animal, I had seen parts of it this year, but I had been doing chores when it began so there was still something I did not understand about it. I wondered how it was that the animal came to stop being an animal and came to be the raw pieces of meat which I watched father cut into pieces.
"We will slaughter this animal here in the barn, though normally we would not do such a thing. There are no other animals here though so it is okay. One animal should never see another animal killed. Even the animals are to be respected. It is because of their death that we will continue to live, and we owe a duty to bring about their death in as gentle a manner as possible."
Father removed a rope from the barn wall and placed it around the animals neck, leading it into the center of the barn.
"It is important that the animal not suffer and that you do not waste a bullet. One day you will have to do this yourself, so pay attention. Before drawing the gun look at the face of the animal and in your mind draw a line from each ear of the cow to the opposite eye."
Father held the animals face in his hands and then traced the lines which he spoke about with his fingers. I was shaking a little, not from the cold now. I knew that I was not going to like slaughtering a cow.
"Do you see where the two lines I have drawn cross each other?"
I shook my head up and down. I saw where the lines crossed.
"Exactly where the lines cross is where you must shoot."
"Do you understand what it means to shoot the animal here?"
"Yes, it means the animal will die."
"Yes, the animal will die, and just as important the animal will die quickly and not suffer"
"You do not have to watch this time Alex, but it is better if you understand where the meat which you eat comes from. Everything in gods kingdom sacrifices so that the kingdom may continue."

I looked at the cows eyes, and I knew that I was going to cry. I tried my hardest not to, I knew that it would please father if I could be brave. Father looked at me and then walked towards me. He put his cold hand to the back of my head.

"Alex, it is okay that you cry. It means you understand what it means for something to have to die. This is the feeling which god gives all his creatures, so that they respect the living, and do not take a life unless it is necessary to live. Do you understand what I am telling you Alex?"

I moved me head up and down trying to not to sob. I felt a bit less like sobbing as his hand stroked my hair.

"Father, how do you know that you are able to make yourself shoot the cow?"

"There are some things I can't teach you Alex, when you must do this you will know that you can."

A while later as we walked back to the house, leaving the dead cow hanging by his hind feet, it's blood slowly dripping into a large tub on the floor I asked my father another question, and I was afraid to see that once again his words were escaping him.

"Father, if we have no more mother cows, where did the new cow come from?"

"There are some things Alex, I won't teach you."

Who's ready for maui?

This guy right here!

Escape Into Space

S no S grass stain (v1 mst4bndeaw) by S no S
I am loving sound cloud. Here is a song that I have been trying to shape up for inclusion on "Albino Elephant". In this form the quality is probably already better than many of the songs on the disc. I have grown to really like this one, enjoy while you wait for the entire massive archive.

The Proof is in the Pudgy

I was looking through pictures the other night and came across the gem on the left, taken in December of 2007. On the right is a photo of me taken on October 30th of this year, hence the vampire blood. I am basically stunned speachless by the good turn my life has taken. The guy on the left is me, as is the fellow on the right. I get a little sad when I see the guy on the left. He was running out of rope, but it got better. How did I get to the guy on the right? I ended a relationship that was negative and destructive, and started a new one which was positive and supportive. I worked out like a bandit, running six days a week in runyon canyon. I stopped partying constantly. I tried to mend relationships that I had strained to the point of breaking and I have since then tried to let people know that I appreciate them. Simply put I have been trying.
It's good to pause and look back and compare where you have been with where you are now. It may not always be so dramatically different as what is shown here, but it's important to stop and ask yourself; "Am I happier now than I was in the recent past?"
then ask yourself "Why?"
The best resource anyone has for learning about themselves is themself.

I have taken this moment to share with you all a point of reflection in my life. I would like you all to sit back from your monitor, close your eyes and ask yourself the above two questions. You don't have to blog about it or tell me, but you owe it to yourself to examine your existance.

I love each and everyone of you and I want the best for you. Thank you all for supporting me in life as I grow and learn.

Jeogie

The following is a test. Here is an unreleased S no S song which I am remastering for inclusion on the "Albino Elephant" disk. Albino Elephant is part of a much larger "box set" type of release I have been working on.
Jeogi by S no S

Things I'm Thankful For

I'm happy that it's Tuesday on the week of Thanksgiving and I've already eaten by Turkey meal here at work. Devin came up and ate with me and my two bosses and a semi retired phone technician. It was real nice to have that meal with my brother, even though we live in the same town we don't always get to share a Thanksgiving. After Devin left Craig said that it's always funny to see siblings that actually like being around each other. I agree.
Tomorrow night Angela and I will head down to San Diego to spend the Holiday with her uncles and grandmother. I am really looking forward to it.
Here are some pictures from a photo shoot we had the other night on the couch. Look at that style!

Something Strange

Rather than write a new blog about this I'm just going to paste a facebook message I just sent to an old room mate.

Paste away:

Nearly every night for the past week I have been having an reoccurring dream. It's even odd for a reoccurring dream because each night the story has been propelled a bit further, like I'm watching a nightly mini-series. In this dream I live in a three bedroom town home with you, Devin and Dylan and my girlfriend Angela. The dream really got going when you made an internet date for kinky roll play with a transgender woman. The woman apparently had a kidnapping fantasy and had planned for you to grab her from a party as she left. You showed up and obliged (you are a nice fella like that). One problem, rather than grab the tranny you intended you grabbed a real girl who had no such fantasy. Now every night the drama has centered around all of us who live in the town home attempting to correct the problem. The girl is not listening to reason and the cops have already been to our place once. There is talk of just killing her. It's very stressful.
Each day we all go about our normal lives, going to work and the gym, but at home we have a girl tied up on your water bed (I love that detail!).
As interesting as this dream has been I hope that it ends soon. Normally when I tell people about a reoccurring dream it stops, this is my hope in telling you. Also it's too funny in the light of day not to share. It's been a pleasure sharing a home with you again. Hope all is well and be careful who you kidnap.

Brandon

Stunning

Good work continues on the S no S "ends" project. I hope to share soon. In the meantime look at this photo!

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Something Significant Is Passing Through

The Google Maps Street view vans have been out in force. They have been all over my old stomping grounds. It is a remarkable thing to see the landscape of my childhood, as an on demand passenger. I like that google is doing this, some people do not and those people are probably paranoid. In my view it's smart that google is taking this step. They seem to be collecting and amazing archive of our world as it is now and I can't see how that won't end up being useful in the long run. Sure there are legitiment fears about google's size and reach, but up until this far they have added far more to my life than they have taken away.
My blog sits on their server. My email is filled with content that I really would never want to lose. I have two books that I've started cached away in my google documents.
Side note: If I ever die someone should get the password to my email account and do something with some of the things I've been working on.

I love this bridge on highway 281 crossing the Saline river.

Passing Through the Past

I've been doing more and more digging into my previous self. I again have gone been digging through my box of tapes and came up with a bit of a goodie. It's an entire side of one tape that is all instrumental compositions. The tape is simply labeled "Ambiotica". I recall playing it and constantly adding too it. I played it late last night through head phones and found myself really enjoying it. The quality is actually better than I expected. I'm considering dumping it down to the computer and including it in the S no S archive.
I also read the entire word file now associated with the S no S archive last night. It's getting lengthy. There is some re-writing to do, and just over half of the original songs to be transcribed yet. I am trying to toe the line between keeping it understandable to a person with no audio production background and still including a little bit of detail about the method of some of the recording. Not easy, but it's worthwhile to consider who may even want to read this thing.

Back to work with me.

No popcorn?

Wtf peeps? No popcorn at the academy of television arts and science theater. For reals? What gives. Call your congressman, make a change we can believe in!

World Between Walls

Grass Stains

I have been workign on compiling the lost S no S album "Albino Elephant". It's been going really well. I've discovered some tracks I thought were long lost that I'm glad to have back. Last night I made a discovery of a totally different kind. I found a track that I didn't even remember making. I recall writing the instrumental part, and making a Demo of it for Shitting Glitter, but what I don't recall was writing lyrics and recording a vocal to it. The song is called Grass Stain, and even for S no S it's odd. I was happy to make the discovery though, since it makes at least one S no S recording that I did at the Orange Grove address, which is otherwise a big black hole where I got to create none of my own music. The track needs some work, but I think I will try and do it and see if it flows because it would be nice to have on the album. I have noticed that some of the other candidates may not be as viable for inclusion as I originally thought.

The project I referred to in the last blog is all about S no S. I'm compiling everything into one big archive, and writing a companion PDF which will include pictures, artwork, lyrics and background story behind a lot of the material. It's exhaustive but I am finding great value in it. It's caused me to go back and really examine what i've done before, my hope is that it will give me a better understanding of where I want to go now.

Silent blog

I may be absent from here a bit. I'm working on something else, I hope to share it with you all soon.

View from crazy sushi

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Is the American Dream Just a Fantasy?

When I sit and consider my country and the people I know I get very confused. I don't understand why so many people have so little, and yet they fight so hard for people who have so much to keep everything they have, no matter how unjust the method in wich the abundance was attained is. The new Michael Moore makes the point that most of them believe that they are special, and one day they will be a member of the Haves, instead of the Have Nones. I suppose this is all to true.
Our society and our popular culture exists on the very idea that there are certain people among us that are more special than everyone else. And as we all grow up watching television and movies and listening to music where the performer is far more important than the performance or the content of the performance. We are only allowed glimpses of these chosen special individuals, carefully controlled prism views into their life, where each detail has been poured over and calculated for maximum impact.
And deep in our heads as we grow up in this country there is a voice and it is telling each of us, "you are a special one". The words are echoed by your parents and teachers. "You are special" It is a gold star on our school papers or the gold medal on our chest at athletic events.
Deep down as Americans we all believe we are special. And when you feel special isn't it natural to feel a little bit entitled to rewards befitting your standing? Don't you deserve just a little more? A bigger house and a larger piece of the pie?
Even if you are not currently recognized as the special genius that only you yourself know you to be. You know one day that is all going to change. One day they will all know just how much you deserve.
All people can't be equal, and special. Inequality exists because it's there, not everyone has it all figured out like the special people do. That is why they are poor. That is why they have no health care. They are not special people.

"America is the greatest country in the world"
"You are special"

Oh, to be from the greatest country in the world and be special.

This is a dangerous mind set. This not only destroys the drive for equality, but justifies the necessity of inequality, it's a natural symptom if something is the best, that there must then be inferior things. It's natural. It's maybe even gods will?

All around America the cracks are starting show. Many people have traveled abroad and seen how the other half lives. They have come back to us and their message is confusing. It is counter to what we have heard our entire lives.

"America is the greatest country on earth"
"You are special"

Life in America for many boils down to a contest, and we would rather win than be right, than compete fair. Win and be number 1 at any cost, at any price.

This is why people fight for massive corporations that generate absurd profits at such a great cost to so many people they crush. People here really do believe that one day that company could be theirs. They believe that such absurd "success" is a natural result of being special.

People fight positive social change that helps everyone simply because they do not want it. They do not care. They do not believe that the person who makes their triple Decker burger deserves health care. They do not believe that the little brown woman down the street deserves a guaranteed retirement account. They do not believe that corporations should have to answer to anything but the bottom line. They believe they are special and that they live in the greatest country on earth.

They have no idea what really makes this country great, and they have no concept of how truly special that is.

I have waited so long

The Starvation

"We used to be a nation of farmers, but now it's less than two percent of the population in the United States. So a lot of us don't know a lot about what it takes to grow food."
- Judith Redmond, Full Belly Farms


Today on my lunch break I started watching this documentary, "the Future of food" . Should you be so inclined you can watch it here for free as I will be doing over my lunch break in the next week and half.

I was only able to watch the first 15 minutes today but already I'm scared to the pit of my soul. What the hell has been going in our world? How far from common sense will we stray before the hammer falls and falls hard?

It would seem to me that we need to have an endangered species list for varieties of our common foods.

I grew up on a farm, my mother stayed at home until my sister was five. Somehow my parents managed to raise a family from the food we grew and the cattle we raised. Would that be possible today? I highly doubt it. What a sad thing we have done to our country in the name of the profit motive.

What is it going to take for people to actually start having an open and honest dialog in this country about the very real situations which we are in? I feel like the pundits are screaming about nothing, and the media follows suit, all whipping up fervor over nothing, and people fall in line and pick a side of the days lucky non issue, while by the way side everything that really matters just slips further towards the drain.

We are circling ever closer to a tired, sad epitaph:

"they had all the clues and never saw it coming"

Game Tape

Once again the weather is cooperating with blogging. It's overcast and chilly. I'm wearing a pinstripe suit jacket and blue and black striped scarf. I feel spiffy, and chilly. I've just retrieved a fresh cup of coffee from the back room and have sat back down to type this memorance to myself.

Memorance: A short note for future memory purpose.

I had a nice weekend. Friday night Angela and I went to see Paranormal Activity at the AMC 16 in Burbank. It was fucking scary. I'm sure a person could go see the film and not enjoy it, and not be scared, but it's your loss. Anyone can talk themselves out of enjoying a horror movie, it doesn't make you any smarter than anyone else, it just means that you are willing to waste your time and money. There is nothing wrong with not enjoying horror movies, if you are inclined not to, all I ask is that you don't see them, then you don't have to complain and I don't have to hear it. However, if you are inclined to spend your money and are willing to take the ride with your time, go see this film and let yourself get caught up. It's scary scary scary.

Saturday Devin and I went to see Capitalism, a Love Story. As good as anything Michael Moore has ever done. It's always hard to sit and face the facts about where the country I love is at and where it'd heading, but it's necessary at this point to take stock. It's a call to action that we can't afford not to answer.

Sunday Angela let me sleep really late while she worked on projects in the living room. I slept till nearly 1pm for the first time in ages. It was chilly and at times I had blankets and Simone to keep me warm. I crawled out of bed and did some chores around the house. Later we went for a drive, we drove past the Ennis House, pictured in the post below. We then drove over to have a look at the Debs Regional Park in Montecito. It was getting chili then so we didn't tarry. We instead went to fresh and easy to stock up on food for the coming week.

Sunday Afternoon I also watched the DVD of Invisible Materials first show. I"m very happy that Devin took the time to make the DVD and that Marc and Dylan took the time to film it. A person can learn a great deal about their own performance through such things.

Briefly I learned this:

As a group we need to focus on the vocals, without the music overpowering what we are all signing.

I need to be more respectful of the other players with my overall guitar volume.

I need to be more aware of dynamics when playing. There is no reason to be charging full steam ahead through out an entire song. It does not in fact "rock", it actually just borrows intensity during the most intense parts by not allowing any contrast.

And a crucial part of controlling dynamics is that it will allow me to listen more to what everyone around me is doing, thus allowing us to play as a unit, instead of a bunch of people trying to play and sing as loud as they possibly can.

I enjoyed the video a lot. It's great to have a record and to be able to honestly evaluate ones performance.

I hope to work hard and improve.

Ennis house

Under the Spell

Check out my new guitar stand. How great is it that I have this in my living room? All of my instruments out of their cases, ready to go. The last two nights after Angela had fallen asleep on the couch I quietly walked over to the guitar stand and picked up my bass to lay down some tracks.
It feels really nice to be working on my own songs again. Feels like it did back when I was hard at work on the S no S project. This time it's more flexible though. I finally have a home set up that works for making music in again. I'm still using the fostex 16 track which I bought for 800 bucks like 9 years back, but recording into the computer for the most part, and using the fostex for no latency monitoring. It does to a certain extent though degrade my audio path. I could chase my tail forever waiting to have a nice clean path or I could just record with what I have and try and make improvements when I can. This is what I've been doing.

The other night I set down to get some work done on a song I wrote ages ago, with help from my friends Jason and Ginger. A tune that used to be called starry night. It began by Jason and I asking Ginger to provide us a line to start a new song and she said:
"Starry night, high above the treetops..." I really liked that line a lot and for years it was the actually the line that started the song. Over time Jason and I have rewrote many of the lines and soon the song sort of started to evolve, eventually the opening changed from "Starry night high above the treetops" to "Last night I was lost in deep thought". The melody over the years has progressed too but the initial seed of the melody came from the sound of the words that Ginger through out. Jason for his part added many of the lines, and encouraged me greatly by telling me it was his favorite hook that I have ever written. Jason actually contributed the title too "Under the Spell", which really dictated the direction the song started to go in. I hope to actually finish a recording of this song soon, so I can properly credit my good friends with helping me write one of my favorite songs I have ever written.

go anywhere any time you want

Refreshing chill in the air this morning, the subtle seasonal changes of Los Angeles always awake in me a desire for more seasonal changes of the more extreme variety. I would love to go home and pick up Angela and a few changes of clothes and head to Kansas City for a long weekend.

Mom and Dad would pick us up at the airport. I would point out landmarks to Angela on the trip. She would be meeting my dad for the first time. She would soon be noticing how many stupid jokes he makes. Mom would be glowing back at me, happy to have a son home for a short spell.
IN this fantasy we arrive around 11:30am, and head immediately to Adrienne's law office to pick her up for lunch. We choose to travel far across town to the Jazz, by KU Med Center. Adrienne tells an amusing anecdote about some husband and wife who tried to steal their home from the bank. I order fried oysters and plenty of hush puppies. Angela chooses a fried shrimp dish. Dad and I split a big dish of craw fish.
As we leave Jazz and head towards Oddie's new house I like to see leaves turning colors. As we turn down her new street a feeling of jealousy washes over me. It's so cute, so near my friends Jason and Ginger, I consider her lucky and experience pangs of regret that I don't have a home on this street. I remember though, that I love my life and I would never give any part of it up. I think to myself that I can move at anytime, if the desire to live on this cute new street becomes too great.
I'm so proud of my little sister as I tour her new home. It's small and just beginning to be decorated. I wander through every room opening every cabinet and looking in every corner. Adrienne and Angela are laughing about some recited line from a movie which we all enjoy.
"next weekend is no good for me, the Jonas Brothers are in town"
Adrienne Brews a pot of coffee. and we all mill around in the living room, trying to find something to sit on. She apologises for the lack of furniture. It's okay, it just feel good to be here.
Inexplicably a cab pulls up in front of her home. As if by synchronicity of fantasy Devin, Dylan and Spike jump out of the yellow car and skipped to the door with their bags. Smiles and hugs all around. How did this surprise happen? What a wonderful world we live in!
Devin and Dylan take the tour of Adrienne's new home and have a cup of coffee with us. Soon though we all realize we are missing a family member. We load up in mom and dad's car, and Adrienne's car, which she somehow left at home to server the days fantasy, and head to Mom and Dads place in Olathe, where my younger brother Royal awaits.
Royal is so excited to see us. He hopes up and down and bounces from one person to another. Everyone comments on how much Royal and Angela look like one another.
As the sun is just beginning to set we all change into warm clothes and take Royal for a walk. As we are leaving Dad approaches me and hands me a Cuban cigar, which has somehow obtained. Amazing! We all walk through their peaceful neighborhood and wind our way along the creek. Telling stories of things that have happened and the things people have said. The day is passing as if it was just a dream.
When we return home Adrienne, Devin, Mom and Angela attack the kitchen. The proceed to cook a meal full of great bounty.
We gather in the dining room and drink wine and feast. Dylan tells a very funny story and we all laugh, I admire his beard. Dad makes a charming toast with just a hint of a tear in his eyes. Mom, Angela and Adrienne all have tears streaming down their face.
The wine continues to flow as we all watch a movie in the living room after dinner. It's cold outside, It's cozy inside and we all have blankets and each other for warmth. A fire crackles. It has been such a perfect day, and we are all happy to have spent it together.
It is so special to spend time with those we love. Enjoy every moment of everyday, and remind yourself that what happens to us in life are just a means to appreciate what we have. The world is so full of wonderful things, you can't hold on to them and there is no point in trying, just enjoy them while they happen and endeavor to make a priority of the things that really matter, and never fear a fantasy.

Into October

I'm tired today but oh so better for it. Coming out of a fine weekend I'm looking forward to enjoying this week in the context of this month with a new arrived chill in the air. I love October.

Saturday night was the first Invisible Material show. 18 months is a long dry spell, as Ronnie pointed out to me. Playing live again with a band was such a joy. Speaking the musical language, even in the vocabulary of an infant is a blessing! Rocking through 9 songs in half an hour with brother and friends and my girlfriend dancing was worth all the time spent in the basement rehearsal space and later in cascade studios. The world didn't change in any noticeable way, but my world got better.

Last night I went with Devin, Dylan and Angie to see Kylie Minogue in concert. WOW! One of the best shows I've ever seen, at a venue that has such a big place in my heart, the Hollywood Bowl.
While watching the show I had many thoughts that I was trying to remember to share, here is my attempt.

First of all singing at a show. I have been hot and cold to this for sometime but have never really taken a firm concrete stance on the issue, except I have been fairly annoyed at artists who go so far as to yell at the fans for doing this, I think pop musicians need to get over themselves if they do this... Ridiculous. So my concrete stance is now developed and it's this. You should at least for one song sing along at a concert if you know the words. To raise your voice and actually sing along with an artist which has come to entertain you is a valuable participation in the process, your voice adds vibration to the movement and it helps to complete the circle. Enjoy yourself and make your small vibrational mark on the experience.

Second thought. If you have a friend or family member who you respect that has different taste in arts and entertainment than you then pay attention to the things which that person really loves, and ask them to take you along when they go to their favorite of these events (concerts, movies, et cetera). While there as unobtrusively as possible ask them questions about what is going (unless you are at the movies, for god sakes shut up at the movies and ask your questions later). I found out last night just how rewarding this could be. I thought I only new one Kylie Minogue song prior to last nights show, and I couldn't have really given her any more thought than that, but I should have. I had the clues to know that there was more going on with Kylie, both my brother and girlfriend are HUGE fans, yet I remained in the dark. When Angela asked me if I wanted to go I wasn't certain, but I love the bowl and I love spending time with my good friends so I said yes, though our tickets were rather pricey. I will am thrilled now that I went. I enjoyed the show from start to finish. I had a Kylie expert in Devin standing next to me, answering my questions and enriching my experience. Thank you to everyone who was part of last night. It was magic.

Another thought I had, people tend to put down pop musicians as plastic and disposable but I noticed this last night. The stage production that I was last night is responsible for thousands of creative and technical jobs. There is nothing disposable about creating work for people in areas where they make something one of a kind, that fits into a unique whole that brings joy to thousands. Way to go Kylie!

Last thought, I love that Angela cries uncontrollable tears of joy when she loves something. It reminds me of my mother.

In My Book

To begin today I must say I missed an important Grey in yesterdays post. A very good kind of grey indeed. It enjoys being kissed on the head and yelling first thing in the morning. It sleeps better than anything thing else I have ever met, and looks wonderful in a bonnet.


Having said that, here is what I'm thinking about today:



1.5 years since I last took the stage and performed music in front of people. To be honest I was worried that I would not get to do it again. Which is silly I realize, but it was in my head. In the past year and a half I've done a lot for myself. I'm healthy and I've lost a shit ton of weight. I'm feeling better about making music again, just for the sake of it. I've come to a new understanding of what I want in the whole performer/audience relationship, I simply want everyone to enjoy themselves. Anyone can play guitar, we can all dance and sing, just because I happen to be in front of someone doing it doesn't make me better than them, it just means that I've put in the time. I do it because I enjoy it. It's a great outlet. I've learned so much from being in bands and creating music. It's a journey to last a lifetime.

Uncle Ronnie calls the guitar the never ending puzzle box. How true that is. I am out of a rut that I was in with the puzzle box and I vow never to return.

Last night I rehearsed with our bass player Ben at his place. We get on well and are developing a certain type of sync to our playing. I'm just damn excited about having Ben along for the journey, he brings a humor that is appreciated and an ordered method that is necessary.

Getting to know our singer Robin over the course of the last year and a half has been beyond rewarding as well. I met him late one night at a gay bar named Fubar. He had just finished go go dancing alongside Angela. He told me he was looking to start a new band and I mentioned I'd just been kicked out of mine. I was standing there with my friend Chris, who also plays, but didn't make it into the band, and Robin exclaimed "we should start a band, cause we all look great!" The statement doesn't have the same impact without Robin's Kiwi Accent.
In the car rides to and from rehearsal and through book club and hanging out Robin and I have developed a bond. I have not had a new straight male friend in sometime, it's fun to have a little Bromance.

And then my brother Devin. I'm so glad that he some how reached into his busy schedule and found the time and dedication to be in yet another band with me. It wouldn't be the same without him. And how handy is it to have another drummer around?

The puzzle rounds off by having Robin's roommate and my girlfriend Go Go dance on a few of the numbers. Angela has been working so hard in the past year on improving her dancing and wardrobe. She has taken classes and worked her hind end off. I'm so proud and excited.

It's a special time in life when you get to cash in on hard work. It's great to achieve something as a group. It doesn't matter what the crowd things or weather anyone comes, the mere fact that we are able to do it is enough. It's a moment that I plan to enjoy.

Wish me broken legs.

Some Good in the Grey

Ah a return to weather I can believe in. It's grey this morning. It's even a bit chilly. I have been missing seasonal changes, so this is welcome, I am almost now convinced it is fall. Though I have heard tell that by the end of this week we will be back in a climate the mirrors hell.

I have some grey hair now. I love it, though I will probably continue to dye my hair for the pleasure of those around me. It looks nice to my eyes though. I'm very glad to be thirty. I was thinking the other day as I was driving that I used to measure success in much different terms than I do now. When I was young I used to think that if you were over 40 and not famous or rich then you were not a success in life. Well, now that I'm not ten years old anymore my definitions have changed. In my book if you are over 40 and alive, then you are a success. What a person goes through simpy to feed clothe and shelter themselves for any period of time on this planet is remarkable, varied and amazing. The mere act of maintaining breathing and body fucntion in the modern world is no small feat. Congratulations to everyone for continuing to do it. It's not fair and it's annoying, but so goddamn beautiful it's ridiculous.

Enjoy your grey hair you've earned it.

Note to the marketing and advertising departments

So most of us DVR the television programs we like to watch these days. When we do this we fast forward through the commercials that you work so hard on. Occasionally it's possible that we zone out in a television trance and forget that we can fast forward. I would imagine that during this state we are more susceptible to the subtle nudging towards consumption of your product that you are trying to sell us.

SO I'm going to think outside the box here...

Maybe it is no longer a good idea to set the master volume of your commercial 10 times higher than that of the program it is interrupting. All this accomplishes now is remind the public they should fast forward.

The game has changed.

Perhaps you can make your adds like a flip book now, so that in regular speed they look to be a serious of still images, but in fast forward they could hock your product? Just a thought.

In a Magic World

Oh yes! Another blog in the same week. I woke up feeling good today. It is a magic world after all, and magic is attained in small triumphs. Last night as I was coming home I walked through our garage. On the walls of our garage are storage units, which the far less than competent management of our building has managed to "lose track of" over the years. They are now first come first serve, which sucks if you are just moving in. Last night as I walked through I cam across 2 of them recently abandoned. The holy joy! I left the building in a hurried rush and went to home depot and bought 2 locks, when I returned they where still open. I slid my brand new locks into each latch like the flag claiming my new land. This minor triumph has me floating. We may now begin emptying items from our closets, and reducing general clutter in our place. A small improvement in quality of life, which makes the world a little more magic!

My muscles hurt today, basically all of them. I have been in the gym every evening this week and I feel great for it. Couple that with eating right and sleeping more and you get more magic. Oh how nice.

I have been neglecting my novel lately. I need to get back at it. This is a good reason to blog more, once I start my fingers to writing then I start my mind to spinning and soon it seems natural to open th document again, and spend some time putting something down.

My sister bought a house. My little sister. I would like a house, or at least to live in one. I'm tired of shared walls. I'm considering going back to school. I have a couple ideas of what I may like to do, but nothing concrete. I wonder about the time factor. I guess the way I see it I just have to trade a little now for more later? Possible. I have always been pretty busy, and I'm sure I could deal with being a little bit more busy. I've always felt like I had 2 full time jobs between working and being in a band. But going to school, being in a band, regularly exercising and maintaining some sort of a social life, is this possible? The thought scares me, which is a good indication that I should do it.

I'm very hungry all the sudden.

I'm listening to the Eels right now. I am pretty in love with them.

Bless your day.

Who Shall Enherit This Post?

Oh Boy, it's been far to long since I've clicked any keys taht were connected directly with this blog. Click Click Click by special request.

I feel really good about many things right now, and I'm also very nervous about some things, and down right disgusted and unhappy about others.

For starters, I feel physically really good. I've been eating right and exercising, and that is just nice. Not drinking either which has been a wonderful feeling. My energy level is at a high point, so I'm actually getting things done.

In less than two weeks, my new band Invisible Material will make their live debut. I'm very excited about this. We are back at a place I've played many times, The Anarchy Library. I love the venue, and I'm really enjoying being in this band. To be playing our first show, gone into the studio twice and never even raised our voices to one another is refreshing.
Before I go into that though, I will mention that we wouldn't even be playing this show had a bass player not fallen out of the sky and fit in just perfect. His name is Ben and he has been playing a massive double bass with us. It's so nice to be in a full band of steady members. I havn't had that really since just out of high school, and even then bass was played on a keyboard.
Last night Angela and I went to Ben's house and Angela chatted with Bens wife while Ben and I jammed out the songs. Good times.

I've also been writing and recording some stuff for another project which I briefly hinted about in one of my last posts. Since then I've shipped a track off to Ronnie and he's added bass and drums to it. Now I'm just awaiting a few more parts and seeing hwere it goes. I also have a basic structure demo worked out for 2 other songs for this project.

Home life is very nice. Angela and I have been cooking a lot, and coming up with many creative ways to eat better. Just the other day I learned that marinated baked tofu can be amazing!

So things are trucking and I'm loving it. I plan to pick up the blog again, let me earn back your readership, by actually posting something for you to read!

Ta Ta...

Goodbye Ghost

Last night was nice. I had dinner with Devin and his Icelandic friend Kolbrun last night. After hangin out for a while I drove home and noticed something strange. The car Devin gave me feels a lot like the small Nissan car I had when I lived in Kansas City. They both die at stoplights too. I had the windows down and I was thinking about recording a song when I got home, even though it was rather late. The feeling of being in that small car, headed towards the same type of goal as I would have often been in Kansas City was very refreshing.
Arriving home I picked up Ellela, my trusted oldest guitar and quietly refreshed myself on a song I had been working on this past couple years. It had originally been titled Ghost Fishing and was to be part of my old man album, which seems like it will be dying the undone death.
As I was driving home in yet another car with no stereo I began to sing the lyrics I had, only now they had completed themselves in my head.
I slowly programmed a basic drum map and began to record the guitar part while singing in my head. Some how over the years all of this has gotten a bit easier.

I called it an end around 1:30 and mixed down what I had to send to Devin and Ronnie. They are the first of many people I hope will be collaborators on this as yet to be named project which has been cooked up.

I'll keep you posted.

San pedro jesus

Sunset on american desolation

The Strange New Direction

I've been feeling the pull recently to actually do something that I've often threatened to do. I wanted to write a novel that used the summer after my senior year in Hich School as it's foundation. At the time I had just read "The Rum Diary" by Hunter S. Thompson. I don't think anyone ever accused that of being a great book, except me perhaps, and I was so enamored with Hunter Thompson at the time that my judgement is way cloudy. All I know is that I've read it over and over, I love that book. I loved it from first read, which happened to occur during that summer of my life. I would later in life when I was feeling somewhat down fill a bath tub with water, a bucket full of ice and beer and sit in the tub and read "The Rum Diary". Part of my attraction to it has been that in form it reminds me of two other favorite books, "The Great Gatsby" and "The Sun Also Rises". There is something about describing a new setting and then taking a journey in each of them that shows up as a commonality. Perhaps what struck me always about "The Rum Diary", and this is more than likely completely incorrect and really very arrogant, but I always thought that after reading it that I could do this. I could write a book like this. This was my motivation. It is no coincidence that the title I chose for this book has another liquor in the title.

I've now began writing in earnest. I am 6 chapters deep. I am suffering a total lack of confidence that what I've written is worth writing or reading, but I keep writing. I want so bad to actually finish this, because I want to write another one after it. This one is juvenile and dark and really rather disturbing, but so is mis-spent youth.

I have really wanted to not tell anyone that I'm working on it. I started the first chapter back in November of 2008, but I only got about 13 paraghraphs in. This past week, having finally felt it was time I've really gotten down to business.

I am hoping to hold out and finish it and edit it once myself before sharing. I have deicided I have to talk about the fact that I'm doing it as I do it, so I keep going. So help me here and there. Make sure I keep writing. I'll keep updating, for the eternal external record. :)

Letting Go the Leash

Last night as work ran down I excused myself into the rest room to change into a pair of shorts, light t-shirt and my running shorts. I filled a water bottle full and said my goodbyes.
I navigated my hand me down Saturn through the oddly meeting streets of north Hollywood and Burbank, eventually snaking a route to forest lawn drive. From there I entered Griffith park, the car coming to a rest in the Mineral Wells picnic area. I hoped out of the car, tied my key to my shoe and stretched a bit. I had one last guzzle of water, locked the bottle in the car, knowing how good it would taste upon my return and started slowly off.
The first 200 ft or so was all that space and my perverse need to push myself would allow for a warm up. I found myself quickly at the bottom of a set of stairs, which I think of as "amir's stairs" named after the garden which they lead to. The stairs here are nothing more than boards dug into the hill supported by steel poles. Each stair can vary from 4 inches to nearly 12. The entire lenght of this portion of the run is right around a quarter mile with a few rest points and flat spots along the way. I can only make it about 1/4 of the way up this section before my quads are on fire and I have to give my lungs a little breather.
During the climb I remember promising myself that I would be taking it easy today, since I had done this same section yesterday and my legs had not yet had the chance to heal. I was sure I would be nicer to myself once I had finished the stairs and popped out of the tree cover into the garden.
The temperature was hot and dry, but not really unbearable.
Amir's garden is a beautiful place. It represents the work of one determined man who chose to make multiple trips up a steep hill carrying plants and sometimes young trees. Amir is long gone but his legacy now towers some 50 feet in certain trees he hauled up as saplings. It's now maintained and watered by park staff and volunteers. Somedays if I'm lucky when I get to the top of the stairs I will be welcomed by the sprinklers on full blast, which shoot off the top of the hill and fall all down the slope, for a good thirty yards it's as if it is raining. When the sun is beating down and your mouth is dry there is no more welcome rain.
Leaving the garden there is a fire road to follow. There is no sun cover here, it's just me and the mountain and the sun. Being so high up one is at least treated to a nice breeze, which only becomes annoying when you have to run against it, at which point the breeze seems to become a wind.
This point in the run is all steady climb. I'm still not in top shape so the lungs burn here and keeping up the momentum is all a challenge of the mind. It's harder yet to press on, since I know that there is much more climb to go and that it will get steeper before it levels off.
If you will note the elevation graph at the top of this blog, the section I'm beginning now is that dark purple section of something near 12% grade that comes after a half mile of steep climb already. This section is gods punishment for all that I have left undone. I promise myself always when I'm staring up this climb that I will walk when I pass the telephone pole here. There is not much thinking while running here. There is only pain and a need for breath.
The walk after this incline is nice. I allow myself around a hundred feet, and once I catch my breath it's onward and upward. The climb is steep in places here, but not as bad as before. Soon I find myself on a stretch of actual pavement, which I slowly climb, realizing that I'm no longer on the path which I told myself I would take today. Somewhere on my climb to this point I have decided I will not be taking it easy today.
My body was headed where I was going before my mind realized it. I wanted to get above and behind the Hollywood sign. I've wanted to do that since I've lived here, and I suppose even before.
Again I reached the top of an incline, this time with a nice view of the Hollywood side of Los Angeles. At this point I'm pretty beat, having climbed for over a mile this is the first minor decent. I stride out and let the hill do the work and I keep reminding myself that every bit I go down on this side of the hill, is more that I have to climb in order to get back to my car. I have a serious discussion with myself about how badly I want to get behind the sign, and how hard I want to work to get home. The arguement is hopeless, I'm too far gone.
I feel like I keep curling around bends expecting to see the sign at any turn yet it never happens. Soon I see a more exciting looking trail, which I assume manages to meet the road that which leads to the top of the mountain. Upon this trail I actually pass another hiker. He says nothing but kindly steps to the side and allows me to pass.
I eventually reach the end of the small trail and join the road. As I do I am met by a couple walking slowly up the road.
"How far are the letters?" the man asks me.
"Further than I had planned on going."
"Fair enough."

The rest of the the ascent is on paved mount lee road, now long closed to regular cars. I'm sure were it open the top of the mountain would rapidly fill with cars every day of the year, and more than a handful of fat tourists would roll snow ball style down the hill taking out trees, homes and wildlife on the way down. Some places shouldn't have roads to them. You should never be able to drive to an absolute end, and for some reason the Hollywood sign is such a place, an end. It's where dreams stop and reality sinks in. Just ask Peg Entwistle.

The letters are not so impressive from behind. Corrugated steel concreted to a mountain top. To one side is Hollywood, to the other Forrest lawn cemetery. The Cemetery looks other worldly from that high up, the creepiest part being the chapel. Surrounded by so much manacured green it looks like something out of a model train set.

As I took in whatever parts would easily come in I was joined by a mountain biker named Steffan. He could tell it was my first time, he had been there many times before. Said it was a favorite spot. On my way down when he came flying past on two wheel in a hell descent I think I understood why, it sure looked like fun.

I lingered with Steffan for a while, did one more look around and then shook his hand and started back towards the car. I followed mount lee drive back to where I first joined it from the other trail. Along the way I passed the couple I had met earlier, this time I told them they only had quarter of a mile to go. They seemed grateful for the good news.

The trail I chose to meander home followed the ridge line and was beautiful. To see the San Fernando valley to one side and Hollywood and downtown LA to the other make for an excited mind. I picked up my pace here, running full bore and enjoying the thrill of it all. I let out a "Whoope". I felt elated and accomplished,like a runner and explorer.