Carrie Responds... And Goes Fishing

The following letter I recieved from Carrie, dated 1/11/06. The Picture on the right is of the postcard, referred to later.

Dear Brandon, (& Believable Needs Community)

I must say I'm honored to be occupying real estate on your delightfully enigmatic blog. I'm having a hard time following the flow of blog-juice i.e. where do my old letters go (Shelf Indulgence, I think), where do my new letters go (here, I think)... Know what? Since you have a better perspective of the map as it stands, I'll just let you do whatever floats your boat Yo!
As I see it from here the only thing missing is a section for Private Carrie-to Brandon and vice/versa communications. Like , "Can you believe that your blog readers haven't picked up on the subtle hints you've dropped indicating your 2008 Presidential Bid? Maybe be a bit more obvious... Time to start building the war chest."
And then there's Myspace, which is another animal all together, I DEFINITELY flame up into full on attention whore there. Part of my reason for that is to get my mailing address out there. Perhaps you can spread the word that I WANT MAIL! FROM ANYONE! Send a letter, a blog, a limerick... and I promise to write back. And - Back me up on this, Buckie there is nothing more thrilling than getting an old fashioned hand-addressed snail mail envelope. Well maybe having a crazy 3-way with Reece Witherspoon and Katie Holmes - but the letter thing ain't far behind. You don't believe me, readers? Well there's only one way to prove me wrong, and that's to WRITE ME!

Carrie Downtown
House of Correction
Dorm E6, Bed 18
8885 S. 68th St.
Franklin, WI 53132

Do your part to piss off the evil monolith of authority represented by the guards who handle out mail. They HATE it when inmates get a lot of mail. Yesterday I got 7 letters - most of them belated birthday cards - and the guard made me go to the end of the line. TRIUMPH! So WRITE ME!


Speaking of the great 2006 mail drive, I'm trying a little fishing expedition with our friends in the church of Scientology. Brandon, thanks for giving me the idea with the post cards declaring, with the temper tantrum petulance of a toddler hogging a toy: "This is OUR Scientology."


Did those jack-offs think they could get away with using a beautiful picture of DOWNTOWN to plug their doofus religion? Well they're about to get fished in.
Here is the letter I sent this week:

To Whom It May Concern,
I Don't really know how to begin this letter... I am a Prisoner in two ways: 1. Behind Bars 2. In my own mind. I feel like I have become someone I don't know, and I'm desperate to find some direction from people who can help me achieve my goals.
I have goals to improve myself, and I work on them as best I can, because I will be free (at least in body) in 6 months. A friend of mine in Los Angeles practices Scientology {Brandon that's you!} He just started and he says it has already taught him a lot about himself and hot to grow and improve. My friend tried to send me some literature about Scientology and L. Ron Hubbard, but they were censored by jail staff and thrown away! We are not allowed to receive "propaganda" as they call it.
I think this is a violation of my religious freedom. The only religious thought that is tolerated here is Christianity, plus groups like alcoholics anonymous. I'm not sure if Scientology is a religion, a way of life, a system or something else. My friend couldn't really describe it either, because he is new to your group. He recommended that I read some book called Dianetics. There is no way for me to receive this book here, under their "propaganda" rules.
The only way I can get the information I need is through a personal letter. They don't read the text of letters if they have signed names at the bottom.

I am wondering if there is someone who could send me more information about Scientology in the form of a personal letter. I am not an evil person, I am just a girl who went astray after my parents abandoned me to do missionary work in South America. They left me all their money, but it is not the same. I need direction and a way to get my life back on track.

PLEASE consider my request. I anxiously await more information about Scientology... I believe it may be perfect for me.

Sincerely,
Carrie Wipplinger

PS. In case you are curious, my crime was drug possession, my friend says that Scientology might be able to help with my substance abuse, as well.


***
I'll keep you posted of any reply. Who'd like to place a bet/vote: will they write me personal letter or not? If they do I have a whole twisting soap opera-esque set of pen pal plans for my Hubbard-hugging victim. (Confidential to Katie Holmes: You can still come back to reality, no questions asked.)

Brandon and the rest of Shitting Glitter: Congrats on your new cd! I sure wish I could hear it, but... perhaps your not picturing my confinement correctly. It's a big room with 25 bunk beds (capacity of 50), aluminum tables, benches and a TV, and phones. Oh yeah, and a big bathroom along one side.
Other things we have access to are basketball one a day for 45 minutes, 10 minutes to browse the library (once every two weeks) and finally if we have the $30 to buy one, a tiny radio only Walkman. Sorry to sound so Snarky... but don't bother sending me anything, as i will be frustratedly unable to hear it. don't fret: my sister tried to mail me a Johnny Cash CD for my birthday. Return to sender.
I think people get the wrong idea about Jail vs. Prison. I kind of use the two intermittently, but the truth is that I am in jail. Jail is for stays up to 1 year. Prisoners who get 1 year or more have special rights, more access to resources, etc. I've heard it's actually quite cushy, but that depends on your security level. If I were minimum-security Martha, I'd probably be typing this in the computer lab right now.
Finally, your Chain Poem Idea is a great one. Let's close with it shall we? We shall.

Tiny Smiles and Cute Refrains
Scamper down my lips and land

Love,
Downtown