"Charlie: You done fucking good.
Seth: I did fucking nothing.
Charlie: That’s often a tough one, in aid of the larger purpose.
Seth: Which is laying head to pillow, not confusing yourself with a sucker?
Charlie: Far as I ever get.
Seth: ‘Cause that’s gonna be a project tonight."
So it is that I am probably no longer in the band I have been in. Five years of having the same constant dream. No such thing as spare thoughts when you are in a band. It's the band all day everyday. There are songs to consider, recordings to consider, artwork to consider, shows to consider, fans and potential fans to consider, your future to consider.
Sharing a dream with other people makes you unbelievably close, your futures are intertwined. What happens to one will happen to all, you are in it together. If they get rich you get rich, if they go broke, you go broke.
I struggled with two other people for Five years, one my brother, the other my girlfriend. We lived and breathed that band. I wanted very much to succeed with them, to have our shared dream become shared reality. I always thought that I would be in the band until it ceased to be a band, and I was comfortable with that. I now face the possibility that the band I was in will succeed without me. Then I will need to reconcile in my head why that became possible after I left but didn't happen when I was there, that could be a tough trick when my head hits the pillow.
Fact of the matter is I know what is true about this. What was happening in the band and in the relationships involved was wrong, it was unhealthy, self destructive and all together incapable of dealing with actual success. To have achieved it in the place we were all in would have been disaster. Something had to change, something had to give. In the end maybe someone had to go. I'm sorry that person was me, but it made the most sense I guess.
I gave up too much of myself in order to fit in the box that so quickly filled in around me in my life. I wanted to always write my own songs and express the things I felt needed expressing. I wanted to make music freely and without boundaries. I wanted to be able to try new parts on old songs and to experiment with excitement. These things are often given up in the dragon chase for fame and success. I wanted to love being in a band and love every time I stepped on stage, regardless of who was watching or how they felt about it. I always wanted to not care about anything but the music but I also always wanted to succeed. There was always a question in my mind of whether the two were mutually exclusive. I still don't know the answer to that question.
I wish my band mates the best of luck. The only hard feelings I have are not aimed at them, and they are not any one's fault. It's unfortunate that things came to pass as they did, but as far as the potential level of misfortune goes I believe we all got off easy. It hurts very much to lose what I have lost, but it is not all loss. There is much to be gained. I have before me now the opportunity to renegotiate my contract with life. I must strive now to not sell myself or my ideas short. There is no easy way, only wrong ways.
I'm not sorry about all that has happened in the last two months, I am sorry that I let things get to the point where these events had to take place.
R.I.P.
buck glitter
2003 - 2008
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