Odd Dead Ends

Yesterday I had to travel to the far west valley for work. It was a nice warm windy day and I decided since I was only one block away that I would venture by the Ralphs grocery store where I worked some 8 or 9 years ago.
My employment there lasted less than one year, and was cut short by a car crash, as so much in this life is. Funnier still my employment there began with a traffic infraction of sorts.
When Devin and I moved to California in the summer of the round year 2000 I had only one requirement of myself, don't work in a grocery store. I perhaps applied that rule a bit to drastically in the first few months, stretching it to something more like, don't work anywhere. I didn't. I went to the beach, and I read a lot. I hid out in the apartment. I wrote some songs and recorded them. I made use of the theory of splitting time into half hour blocks and filling those, instead of trying to fill the whole day. This theory is described well in the Nick Hornby book "About a Boy".
I filled these days in a happy haze, it was a nice break from life at a time when I needed it. Soon though the prospect of no money in the big city began to nip at my heels. I was in an active state of running from the constant annoyances in life, I had myself in my Mazda MX3 rocking out to the album Wishville by Catherine Wheel, driving through Chattsworth, California. Flashing lights in my rear view mirror. Reality catching up with me.
Apparently out in Chattsworth they take very seriously the rule that says you need to register your out of state vehicle as an in state vehicle within 10 days of moving there. I of course didn't realize at the time that I was being pulled over for such an easy escape infraction. I didn't really notice that I pulled into a parking space in a grocery store lot to lie to the policewoman. The policewoman gave me a good talking to, a warning ticket and then got in her car and drove away.

Leaving me parked approximately here, looking at this sign from this angle. I sat there and thought for a moment. I cursed myself for the promise I was about to break. Breaking promises to the self is so wrong, it shows a complete lack of caring for what you know is your well being. I had backed me into a corner that I didn't want to be in and I knew that I would need to crawl through shit either way I went. I chose the devil I knew, sucked it up, and stepped in front of the motion sensor at the front door. I filled out my application and slouched back to my car. I drove straight home and by the time I got inside there was already a message on my machine. My impeccable grocery clerking record had done the trick. They had called my old store and were salivating at the notion of abusing me in their very own store. I drove back and talked with the manager and had a job within an hour of being pulled over.
In the beginning I worked normal days clearing the lot of carts and packing bags. I had fun to a degree. I tried to date a Jehovah's Witness. I had a gun stuck in my face while we were getting robbed and I was sexually harassed by a disgusting older female manager. None of it was half as disturbing as the degradation involved in putting on a grocery smock after promising myself I never would again.
Then it got worse.
I made the mistake of displaying competence. My unhidable super human grocery clerking abilities were particularly noticed by the night stock crew manager on those evenings when I would past 10 pm. In his defense I can understand, I think he was really looking to have someone around that was able to speak with words instead of the usual grunts and profanities of the typical over night shelf stocker. He made his intentions to have me on his crew well known, I resisted. It would have been financially much more rewarding but emotionally crippling. Not too mention there were many pretty girls around during the day, none at night.
I held off for sometime, then on day I looked at the schedule and what I thought was a 4 to 12 pm shift had a little am next to it. What could this mean? I asked many people, no one could really tell me. The only advice I got was that it was probably a mistake but I should show up anyway and get the money for doing nothing since no one would Be able to tell me what to do. Bad advice, and probably a bit of manipulation but I was too green to see it or resist it. I showed up and sure enough someone knew what I was there to do.
This fish case you see before you was mine to deal with. From that day forward twice I week I would wake up at 3:00 am, or just stay up and drag my living dead ass into work. It would take nearly half an hour with extremely hot water to melt all the ice in this beauty of seafood case. Then I would have to clean what was left behind up. Old seafood which has been running under hot water at 5am. UGLY. Horrid. Inhumane.
It was on one of these mornings that my fate was hung upon me. November 7th, 2000. Election day. A day that fucked up a lot of people's world, it could be argued every one's world. I was in the checkout line, buying a fuji apple to consume on my lunch when one of the older carryout lady's asked if I wouldn't mind dropping her off at the mechanic. I normally chose to eat my lunch on a bench out front of the store. I did my co-workerly favor and dropped the woman off at the mechanic. I drove back towards the store and decided that I should just drive around a bit and enjoy the rest of my lunch break.
That car met it's fate that day in a major collision on De Soto drive. I had cuts only from the air bag. That day sucked.
I soldier on for another month or so, riding my bike five miles to and from work each day, which really sucked when I was going in at four in the morning. I soon gave up the ship and decided to move to Kansas City to begin a new life.

No More Notches

So good today. My body feels nice, it's sending me signals. It likes what I have been giving it.
Last night I had the best run yet. I run up and down a little trail in Nichols canyon, I figured all told in length that it was about a mile for the trip up and down. Now I find that it's actually a mile and a half. This was nice encouraging news. I last night ran the trail up and down three times in the amount of time it was taking me to run it once when I first began running two months ago. That felt nice. I was in a bit of a hurry so I was really pushing it, and it really paid off time wise.

I'm sitting here this morning listening to a mix cd that my friend Jason made me last weekend. It's very nice, it's making me want to play the guitar right now. This instant.
Last weekend Jason and I had a wonderful guitar playing session. He and I gel very easily when it comes to playing and signing songs. We played some old favorites as well as new favorites. Jason is really coming along with both his playing and singing, very impressed.

Tonight I'm going to see a friend perform comedy. Very much looking forward to it.

Thank God for Suckers

This weekend was a brilliant flash. It was gone so quick, now I have a good long time to replay it in my head and miss it.
This past December Devin and I were pitched a proposal by our tiny sister, she had a notion that we should help our parents celebrate their 35th anniversary by having a surprise party for them. We invited all of my parents old friends and relatives, but the icing on the cake was to be Devin and I flying in secretly for the event. Adrienne pushed very hard for Devin and I to take the plunge, she wouldn't even send out a "save the date" email until we had both booked plane tickets.
In the months leading up to the date there was much planning and secret discussion. Beautiful invites were created and mailed out. Devin and Adrienne purchased all the cheesy decorations they could get their hands on. Strategies were developed and re-developed as each new obstacle presented itself on our path to a memorable party.
The biggest blow to our plan came in the form of great fortune. Our parents ended up finding and making an offer on their dream home, but the closing date fell just one day prior to our party plan, which we all knew would mean that mom and dad would be wanting to move in on the next day! We had a powwow about it and decided our best bet was to have Adrienne call Dad and tell him that she had "booked" something "non refundable". I thought Dad might think something was up, because he is pretty with it but it was the only way we could get them to not make a big plan to move on the date of the party.
As last week arrived Devin, Adrienne and I were all increasingly nervous thinking one of us or a relative or friend would spill the beans. I called Mom and Dad several times, each time mentioning some thing that I had planned to do in Los Angeles over the coming weekend. The most exciting lie came when I had to make my normal ecstatic Friday call, which I normally make immediately after leaving work, from my brothers car on the way to work. As we were driving along and I was talking to Mother Devin turned around to get something from his back seat. As I'm chatting he starts to veer into the next lane and oncoming traffic. I had to think fast and keep in mind that I couldn't scream "Devin, watch the fucking road" because that would spoil the surprise. I improvised on the fly and yelled, something about a car coming into my lane, which made Devin realize that he was about to kill us both! Then I had the task of not biting my tongue off from trying not to laugh at the situation while still on the phone with Mom.
The flight out was uneventful. We parked in airport lot B and had a pleasant shuttle ride to the terminal. Our plane was right on time and even landed in Kansas City a little early. Our ride, Adrienne was a bit late to the airport when she had to pass through a sobriety check point on her way to claim us.
Back at Adrienne's house I had the pleasure of meeting one of her house mates, Dan for the first time. A very funny man that Dan. He inspired me to stay up past my bed time drinking and playing Wii bowling. By the time I was about to crawl into bed it was going to be 2am Los Angeles time so I decided to just stay up ant talk to Angela once she got off work. I finally hit the pillow hard at about 5:30 Kansas time.
10:00 Am, Saturday April 19th. The day of the party. Morning rolled around very quick for me but I was so excited it didn't matter. I got up and showered and traveled to get a cup of coffee for myself and my siblings. Adrienne's good friend Chrissy and her mother showed up and began really stepping up the help, without Chrissy's mom Pam nothing would have gone as well as it did, she was top notch.
The guests were told to arrive no later than 12:30, and Mom and Dad were scheduled to arrive at 1:00. Had I been thinking at all I would have realized that this was an error, my Father likes to have at least an Hour of padding before anything... A new disaster struck us by surprise when Devin and I arrived back at Adrienne's place with the booze to find out that Dad was on the phone with Adrienne and that they were 3 blocks away and were going to head over to have Adrienne go out to eat with them for their anniversary. Sheesh! Adrienne did some quick talking end convinced them she needed to go pic up her car and that she's meet them. She then held them at bay while the rest of us ushered guests in and finished preperations.
By 12:30 we thought we had all the guests hidden away and accounted for. I texted Adrienne to let her know they had all arrived and it was safe to bring them.
Little did I know some old friends of their's, and I will spell this name wrong, the Grecians, were walking up to the party just as Adrienne pulled up with mom and dad. Mom pointed and said, oh my god, the grecians. Adrienne attempted to ignore her and drive right past but that approach did not work out. Adrienne was forced to back up so mom and dad could have a confused discussion with their old friends about why they happened to be on her daughter's street carrying a gift. My parents left the conversation a bit confused but still not fully aware of what was going on.
The moments leading up to the surprise were tense and exciting, I was talking to one of my parent's friends from before their marriage and we were both sure our heads would pop off from the tension.
Before we knew they walked in the door and the surprise was out of the bag. My Mother looked at Devin and I and said "What are you doing here?" Tears were streaming down her face. Dad looked around the room from face to face and stared in disbelief. Everyone was so supportive and happy for them.
It was nice to pay tribute to my parents union, because they have been rock solid for each other these past 35 years they have been able to have a positive impact on so many lives. I am so glad that I had the oppourtunity to in some small way show how much I apprecaite them.

No Worries, It's all the Flurries

I'm in High School again, actually I'm busier. I feel like I did when I first moved to LA. There is so much to be done. It's really rather wonderful. I feel constantly on the move right now and it's delicious. Even my time spent resting feels like accomplishment.
I've been waking earlier more refreshed. Nearly every day this week my eyes have graced the first light of day at 6:30 am. I fight the farmer insticnt in me though and go back to the slumber mill for at least a half hour more. From there it's off to work, where I am putting so much more of my energy these days. I feel like before I coasted so much and just did enough to get by. I've decided there is no point in spending 1/3 of my time at this place without trying to make the most of it. I have the energy to work harder so I am using it.

Each evening there are more things to do, weather it's laundry or picking up random items I need. I had become very much domesticated, and used to certain things being taken care of by another person. I have been enjoying doing these thigns for myself now. I makes me feel more connected to my life, which I find I was needing.

I've been listening to more music than ever, it's makeing me feel magical. I am so very excited to get deep into making more and more of my own.

I have big weekend plans. A wonderful club tonight and seeing "does it offend you, yeah" tomorrow night! YAY! Then a wonderful LA sunday.

A man without a country

"Charlie: You done fucking good.

Seth: I did fucking nothing.

Charlie: That’s often a tough one, in aid of the larger purpose.

Seth: Which is laying head to pillow, not confusing yourself with a sucker?

Charlie: Far as I ever get.

Seth: ‘Cause that’s gonna be a project tonight."



So it is that I am probably no longer in the band I have been in. Five years of having the same constant dream. No such thing as spare thoughts when you are in a band. It's the band all day everyday. There are songs to consider, recordings to consider, artwork to consider, shows to consider, fans and potential fans to consider, your future to consider.
Sharing a dream with other people makes you unbelievably close, your futures are intertwined. What happens to one will happen to all, you are in it together. If they get rich you get rich, if they go broke, you go broke.
I struggled with two other people for Five years, one my brother, the other my girlfriend. We lived and breathed that band. I wanted very much to succeed with them, to have our shared dream become shared reality. I always thought that I would be in the band until it ceased to be a band, and I was comfortable with that. I now face the possibility that the band I was in will succeed without me. Then I will need to reconcile in my head why that became possible after I left but didn't happen when I was there, that could be a tough trick when my head hits the pillow.
Fact of the matter is I know what is true about this. What was happening in the band and in the relationships involved was wrong, it was unhealthy, self destructive and all together incapable of dealing with actual success. To have achieved it in the place we were all in would have been disaster. Something had to change, something had to give. In the end maybe someone had to go. I'm sorry that person was me, but it made the most sense I guess.
I gave up too much of myself in order to fit in the box that so quickly filled in around me in my life. I wanted to always write my own songs and express the things I felt needed expressing. I wanted to make music freely and without boundaries. I wanted to be able to try new parts on old songs and to experiment with excitement. These things are often given up in the dragon chase for fame and success. I wanted to love being in a band and love every time I stepped on stage, regardless of who was watching or how they felt about it. I always wanted to not care about anything but the music but I also always wanted to succeed. There was always a question in my mind of whether the two were mutually exclusive. I still don't know the answer to that question.

I wish my band mates the best of luck. The only hard feelings I have are not aimed at them, and they are not any one's fault. It's unfortunate that things came to pass as they did, but as far as the potential level of misfortune goes I believe we all got off easy. It hurts very much to lose what I have lost, but it is not all loss. There is much to be gained. I have before me now the opportunity to renegotiate my contract with life. I must strive now to not sell myself or my ideas short. There is no easy way, only wrong ways.

I'm not sorry about all that has happened in the last two months, I am sorry that I let things get to the point where these events had to take place.

R.I.P.
buck glitter
2003 - 2008

Oatmeal and Coffee

Today is a nice day. The sun is out. I have a cup of Joe and a big bowl of oatmeal beside me. All is well. I have kick ass concert tickets for Saturday night! All is well.

Last night was nice. I had a wonderful meal prepared by a new friend. Yummy portabella mushrooms with ground turkey and home made sauce, all poured over nice whole wheat pasta. Yummers.

Living Well is the Best Revenge

We have not succeeded in answering all your problems. The answers we have found only serve to raise a whole set of new questions. In some ways we feel we are as confused as ever, but we believe we are confused on a higher level and about more important things.
-Anonymous quote taken from the radio show Car Talk

I've been working hard at improving my life on all fronts, in many areas I still lag but I will not be dwelling on those today, instead I'm just going to focus on the good.

I've been running and hiking like a mad man. 5 to 6 days a week. During the week I've found the best thing that I can do is to take my running clothes and shoes to work with me, changing in the restroom here right before I leave for the day. I then take my normal route towards home (or whatever passes for a home these days)stopping halfway through nichols canyon to run on the Astral Drive Trail. I can't stress enough how important this step has been towards overall improvement. If something is bothering me during the day I usually am able to completely work it out or if nothing else take a needed break from it while I run. I've now been running regularly for 6 weeks.
One observation that I have made about running is perhaps that running without an Ipod or other portable music listening device is ideal. I have tried both methods throughout my life, and perhaps it's my choice of music but I've found that I don't relax as much when I listen and run. I also tend to run too fast and not be adventurous with my route. I've also noticed a pattern that the times of my life when running has existed as an activity tied to listening to music that the longevity of the activity is shorter. There is something for me about running without adding any more distraction than necessary that is vital to the undertaking. There are many voices in the head that are hard to hear as it is, it's nice to have quiet time during each day to listen to what my body and mind are telling me.

I've been trying to take part in new and different activities. I've made a new deal with a very special person in my life that each sunday we will endeavor to do something new and different, that we've never done before. This has already yielded many wonderful new activities. I've been reaching out and trying to do different things with different people. I've been watching films that maybe I wouldn't normally watch and making a conscious effort to support creative endeavors of those around me with my attendance. Stuff like this produces a positive reaction in my being and I think that it's adding to the positive energy I'm trying to put into the world, in order to show appreciation for all that I've received and all that I hope to continue to receive.

I've been thinking about what I eat and drink a lot more too. I've very nearly eliminated diet soda from my life. I used to have 3 or 4 a day at work, which is insane I know now. Having removed diet sodas from my work life I've replaced them with tea and lots of water. This feels so much better and more natural to me. My system must have been working so hard to deal with all the chemicals and toxins that I was putting in it before I can't believe that i was able to function as well as I was.
In this area I have recently embarked into another new dimension. My two bosses eat a bowl of steel cut oats with fruit and nuts here every morning. They have always told me it's the best thing you can eat for breakfast. I've fought their advances to get me to indulge in this treat for many months, until this past Friday. I had skipped breakfast and it smelled good so I thought, why not give it a go. I have now decided I'm going to try and eat it every morning for two weeks, at which time it will be clear to me weather I will continue or not, initial reports look favorable. In addition to the added health benefits, it's also free breakfast, in addition to lunch which they already provide. For lunch I've been trying to stick to salads and grilled meats, with the occasional sandwich wrap.

I've been reading more. This just appears to be a result of a more solitary life that I've been leading. While I do have many great people around me I have noticed that not being in a strictly cohabitation relationship has allowed me more time to do things on my own, many of which naturally lead to having quiet time with a good book. I'm currently reading a great book about Edie Sedgwick, a fascinating read that I would probably never have picked up two months ago.

Another new frontier is that i've actually began to actively care for my skin. It's not easy, apparently I have sensitive skin and my complexion is effected by many factors. I've been introduced to many new products and just yesterday had my first facial... wowsa! Times they are a changin'

Lastly tomorrow morning I have a dental exam. I have never felt naturally inclined to visit a dentist... I'm not afraid of them so much as I hate being patronized by anyone in a smock. Also the money can be a bit tight, even with insurance. However, as more evidence of a positive spin in my life I was greatly encouraged to visit my dentist by the aforementioned special person in my life. This all feels good.

kick ass day

I'm leaving work in 18 minutes. I just had the best day at work and now my real day begins. I'm going to go run. This weekend will be a good one, so much to experience. Thanks world, I'm taunting you.

The Evolution of the Screen

In the past three days it's been my unique position to compare and contrast two vastly different movie experiences.
To begin with sunday, as you can see from the picture above I attended a drive in movie. Two movies to be precise. I was told by Devin that I had been once before to the drive in, to see 9 to 5 in Russel, Kansas but I was not yet old enough to form memories so I don't really count that experience. Sunday was different, having sought out the last Drive-in that L.A. county has to offer I was able to take in 2 movies, Horton Hears a Who and The Spiderwick Chronicles. The movies themselves were wonderfully cute, but the experience of the Drive-in was just magical to me. To sit in the comfort of a vehicle drinking your own beer from a can and eating shitty fast food while listening to the dialogue and soundtrack on the car radio is an experience I can't believe I might have missed. Such a great adventure.

Fast forward two days and I was able to attend a screening of the new Martin Scorsese directed Rolling Stones concert film entitled Shine a Light at the IMAX theater in Universal City. Watching 40 foot versions of the Stones performing at a rumbling volume might be better than actually being at the concert. The clarity with which the action unfolds and the active way in which each instrument is mixed in accordance with the action on the screen makes the concert experience alive in a way that it's can't be from a stationary spot in the audience.

Draw your own conclusions about the relative merits of each format. I am off to walk the dogs.