Longing

It's been a long week. I keep staying up way to late and my job starts at the same time every day, regardless of how late I stay up. I'm ready for a bit of R& R this weekend, though there is a strong possibility that I'll end up working tomorrow for one of my bosses. I Like physical labor money, even more than I like sleeping.

I've been getting a little harder to be around lately. I'm getting so close to being able to do the things I wish to do musically that I have trouble turning my mind off and paying attention. When I used to get this way, back when I was working on my own music in Kansas City I was single. Now I find myself being less able to pay attention to the people around me because I'm thinking about music a lot. Much of it is not even productive thought, it's just spinning possibilities which I am currently not finding the time to make realities. These things can really do a number on me, there is truth to the analogy that ideas are viruses.

I realized last night that I owed my girlfriend an apology, for not being as present in my life as I desire to be. Writing, recording and performing music takes an incredible amount of time, unfortunately so does my life. Live for me will forever be a delicate balance of work, hedonistic desires and the simple pleasure of stillness. I've never believed in moderation in anything, I want all of everything.

I've learned throughout the years that it is important to streamline my methods for accomplishing anything. I sleep until the last minute possible to still get to work on time. I attempt always to simplify the set up of recording gear, so that I may be playing and recording within minutes of making the decision to do so. It's a strategy for dealing with this problem of limited time.

This battle I'm fighting against the clock is one we all lose in the end. We artists try to leave something behind us, that lays claim to the time we put in by existing as a consumable piece. In this manner what we create takes the time from the people who ultimately end up experiencing, observing or consuming our art.

I've lost my thread, I shall stop with the taking of your time, but I'll return to try another day.